Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Roadmaps of Consent

Hi, my name is Cat. I'm a consent junkie.

I am very, very dogmatic about consent. I believe that anyone has a right to withdraw consent to anything at any time and for any reason. I fucking love consent. I love safewords. I can be much more cruel, and push much harder, if I trust my partner to tell me when I go too far. I don't want to damage anyone, but I love being able to ride the edge of limits.

The process of getting consent is scary to people, or seems like a legal negotiation. It doesn't have to be either. So I'm going to talk about actual, real-life situation in which I've sought consent, or consent has been asked of me. If you'd like more ideas, or a general primer on consent in general, this Sex Talk Comic is funny, engaging, and very helpful.


Situation One: Consent in the Moment


I'm at Kitten's house. She's naked, I'm topless, and there are a few friends around in various states of undress. He ex-boyfriend and close friend, Dick, turns to me, and makes a polite gesture towards my breasts.

Dick: May I? Kitten seems very fond of them.
Me: Sure, go ahead.
Dick squeezes them a few times. I am bemused.
Dick: Very nice, thank you.
Me: My pleasure.
Kitten: That was surreal.


Situation Two: Getting Rejected

Kitten is on her bed, naked. Dick and I are both playing with her nipples. Dick leans forward, offering to kiss me.
Dick: Cat?
Me: Oh, I don't kiss men. Nothing personal.
Dick: Okay, then.
We return to teasing Kitten. Later, before he leaves, I give Dick a hug.



Situation Three: Subtlety

This one is a little more complicated, so we'll go through it twice.

Kitten and I are at my house, wrestling and fooling around. We haven't planned anything. I pretend to eat her nose, and in retaliation she blows in my face, which she knows that I hate.
Me: What was that?
Kitten: Nothing.
Me: Nothing, hmm? Get me the spoon.
Kitten: But...
Me: Don't make me ask you again.
Kitten hurries to find it, and then bends obediently over the bed, grumbling.
I spank Kitten with the spoon until she is sore, squirming, and begging me to stop.

Me: Was that a safeword?
Kitten: ...no.
Me: Let's give you a few more good ones then, shall we?
Kitten: I'll be good! I'll be good!
Me: I'll bet you will, after this.

And now with added notes:


Me: What was that?
Kitten: Nothing.
Me: Nothing, hmm? Get me the spoon.
Kitten: But... (This is part of a game that we've established earlier.)
Me: Don't make me ask you again.
Kitten hurries to find it, and then bends obediently over the bed, grumbling. (If there was something wrong, she would have had plenty of opportunity to communicate it. If she said no, or refused outright to get the spoon, we would talk about it rather than proceeding.)
I spank Kitten with the spoon until she is sore, squirming, and begging me to stop.

Me: Was that a safeword? (I'm checking in here, giving her space to put a stop to things if she needs to.)
Kitten: ...no.
Me: Let's give you a few more good ones then, shall we?
Kitten: I'll be good! I'll be good! (And here she has the freedom to express the "pain HURTS" part of her experience, and hand control over to me, without allowing me to trample over her limits.)
Me: I'll bet you will, after this.

Later, I asked her what it felt like. Her response? "It was ow, and wanting it to stop, and good."

Situation Four: Fantasies

Kitten and I are snuggled up in bed, talking about sex that we had the day before, and sex in general.
Me: So when you were right about to come, and I started spanking you?
Kitten: That was so mean!
Me: You liked it.
Kitten: Yeah.
Me: I'd like to get you that close and then put nipple clamps on you.
Kitten makes a turned-on, happy sound.
Me: Really? You hate the nipple clamps!
Kitten: Yes, but....
Me: Well then.
I pull them out and drag the chain over her breasts.
Me: This will be fun.

Situation Five: For the Future

Me: How do you feel about being "raped" awake? As long as you'd had enough sleep and everything.
Kitten: I feel pretty good about it. I've never tried it, though.
Me: We'll have to give it a go some time.
Kitten. Okay.

Situation Six: Open

Kitten and I are at a small gathering. I notice that she's eying a new male acquaintance, who for some reason is shirtless. I like it when she picks up new lovers - it takes some of the pressure off me to provide novelty. Also, there's a kind of ego boost when my girl is the hottest one in the room, and I know this guy isn't a threat to me. I catch her eye, glance at him, glance at her, and smile. There are other people around, and I'm trying to be subtle.
It gets late. I'm tired. She assures me that she can find another ride home (where we're both living), and when I make my excuses she follows me outside.
Kitten: Do you mind if I take him home and have sex with him?
Me: I was trying to give you the go-ahead inside. Do you have condoms?

Kitten: I have a few in my purse.
Me: Ok. Can you manage on the couch? I really need to sleep.
Kitten: Sure, if you want.
Me: And you'll come snuggle me later?
Kitten: Yes! I will not miss out on the snuggles.
We kiss.

You'll notice some commonalities here. In every situation I've mentioned above, the conversations work because we have some basis to go on. In situation six we've had the conversations about what it takes to make an open relationship work, and what we both need. In four and five, we're comfortable sharing our fantasies - and having fantasies shared with us, even if they're weird. Three was the result of a lot of negotiation and evolution. Even, with situations one and two, I was comfortable with the guy, we talked about sex, and I was being sexual in a context that he was present in.

That last one's a mouthful, isn't it? What it means is this: context matters. On the street, if he had asked to feel me up, I would have been a bit put out. Even in in my house I might have felt uncomfortable - and I like the guy. In an overtly sexual situation, it felt fine.

These situations never "just happen." If they did, you probably wouldn't want them to. We create contexts where these things can happen. I'll talk more about that in other posts.

Can you imagine standing on a street corner, to have an attractive stranger barrel out of nowhere and kiss you? Odds are, no matter who you are, in real life it would make you feel a bit violated. Now, imagine the same stranger after a night of conversation over drinks, shared sidelong glances, the way your legs feel when you accidentally brush against theirs. At the end of the night, if the stranger leans in for a kiss, that wouldn't make you feel violated, would it? Flirting is our way of creating context where certain exchanges of sexual energy can happen. And some of the tools flirting can be applied elsewhere.

<i>This post has a follow-up:</i> The Space Between "No" and "Yes"

14 comments:

  1. This is a great post. I don't understand why people seem to think obtaining consent means sex has to turn into some weird transactional process:
    'Now may I touch your breasts? Now may I kiss your nipples? Now may touch the small of your back?' This post gives a lot of great examples of how the process actually happens in healthy interactions and especially in long term relationships.

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  2. Like most human interaction, it's possible to be thorough without being mechanical. It does take work, but people who don't want to work should stick to less demanding partners, like sex toys. People take effort, but that effort is almost always rewarding.

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  3. Great post! You might like www.theconsensualproject.com, too.

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  4. Absolutely brilliant post. I really appreciated the examples you set out - and the reiteration that the shared communication, basis set out, and context, all make a difference.

    xx Dee

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  5. I had to follow Curvaceous Dee here and say yes, absolutely brilliant. Your illustrations, especially loved the one with notes, are spot on.

    As someone in a relationship with a "consent fetishist" this is how life is.

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  6. Dee, thank you, and thank you for marking this as "recommended reading." I'm flattered and pleased.

    SapioSlut, I'm not sure that I've heard the phrase "consent fetishist" before, but it makes sense. As a sadist, consent is the thing that makes what I do viable rather than monstrous. I'm not sure that I started out with such a strong sexual attraction to consent itself, but after weaving "You want it, don't you? Say yes." into so many satisfying sexual encounters, it has become a fetish in itself.

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  7. Just wanted to let you know I linked to this post today from my blog.

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  8. Congrats on being one of the top posts on ELust this week. You definitely had my vote.

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  9. This is great! I find that a lot of the time people aren't used to explicitly asking for consent -- much less working it into a scene, into conversation on a first date, into daily interactions with a partner. I like that you specifically use spelled out situations that others can role play or use themselves. It's so important to realize that consent must be negotiated again and again, not simply the first time you have sex. Checking in can be difficult -- I like the way you suggest doing it in Situation 3 without breaking the scene and power play. I find that it deepens my kinky experiences significantly to have a verbal acknowledgement of consent, even after laying the groundwork with discussions and initial consent. I'm definitely a consent junkie, too :)

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  10. Kit, thank you, and thanks to everyone else who linked to or voted for this post. As a new blogger, it's extremely gratifying to have the opportunity to be heard by this wide an audience.

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  11. S. Elle, thank you. I really do believe that an overwhelming percentage of people want enthusiastic, consensual sex. With an extremely few exceptions, people have trouble with explicit consent because they don't know quite what to say or do. What I've written about works for me, and I hope that other people will find inspiration here as well.

    I find that it deepens my kinky experiences significantly to have a verbal acknowledgement of consent, even after laying the groundwork with discussions and initial consent.

    I feel the same way. I think this is because verbal consent feels safer - as a top, I don't have to be afraid that I'm misreading the signals. And especially with BDSM, safer sex is usually better sex.

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  12. As I fellow Consent Geek: THANK YOU, Cat! And... May I repost your post? ;)

    xxREiD

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  13. Reid, you are more than welcome to link and quote generously. I'd prefer to keep the "original" in one location, though.

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  14. Hi Cat!

    This was interesting an insightful. It's always encouraging to meet fellow consent junkies, and such well-written examples. Thanks for sharing this!!

    Do you mind if I also reblog some quotes?

    Some of what you wrote struck me in a strange, uncomfortable way. I want to implore a bit: maybe open some dialogue, if you might be into that??

    One big thing your article brought for me was a heightened awareness that "Consent" is not a one-way street -- asking requires that someone provide response. Sometimes when there is no response, or when the response is unclear, I assume consent is not present. This is the safest way to approach that. Would you mind providing more of your own insights about this??

    Also, what sorts of ways have you gone about working through a situation in which you were denied consent (rather than denying it).

    This post has brought up a lot for me about the way "Practicing Good Consent" (title of an awesome zine) has played out in my own life, and really provokes a lot of thought. I'd love to hear more from you when you get the chance.

    Peace!

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