Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Why talk about pleasure instead of sex?

According to some very narrow definitions, I'm technically a virgin.

This seems almost impossible to me at times. Snuggling in bed with a partner, after several hours of touch and toys, and a dozen orgasms between the two of us, I don't feel especially virginal. Walking out into the crisp fall air after some enjoyable penetrative sex with a heterosexual man, I don't find myself thinking, well, at least I didn't put his penis in my vagina. It would be silly.

I've more dirty, filthy, non-procreative sexual contact, with people of a variety of genders, than many promiscuous heterosexuals. Calling me a virgin would be hilarious. But virgin = person who hasn't had sex. So I must have had sex somewhere along the line, right?

Somewhere, Kitten has a list of all the people she's had sex with. For men, that means penis-in-vagina only. But for other women she uses a different standard. And some sex acts that "count" with women don't count with men. It works for her, but it doesn't make sense for me.

This is my policy:

I'm not concerned with what is and isn't sex. I don't really think it matters.

Do things that feel good. Don't do things that feel bad. This can be complicated when we get into BDSM, but in shorthand: if it hurts but you love it, it's probably good. If you feel betrayed or bad about yourself the next day, it's probably bad.

Don't do things to people that make them feel bad.

Don't let people do things to you that feel bad. Your responsibility here is to revoke consent. If you don't consent and someone does something to you anyways, that obviously isn't your fault. And they are probably bad people.

Take initiative in your own pleasure. Masturbate. Learn what feels good. Listen to your fantasies. On the other hand, don't live in your fantasies: learn what makes you happy in the real world.

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